That One Day on the Bus

There is one day in the Dominican that I will never forget.

My parents and I were taking a bus to the capital to go to a conference. For me, the bus can either be an introvert’s sanctuary or an introvert’s nightmare. Most of the time I would put in my earbuds, turn on the special bus playlist I made just for this occasion, and let the music wash over me as my brain checked out for a few hours. Complete bliss.

But in the DR it’s totally normal to talk to the person sitting next to you on a bus, whether you know them or not (hence the nightmare). To be honest, making small talk with the guy next to me is usually the very last thing I want to be doing. Like getting a tooth pulled seems less painful to me than trying to carry on a conversation with a stranger. I would take awkward silence any day.

My parents sat together while I took the risk and sat in a window seat alone. As soon as I sat down and got my backpack situated on the floor I began the desperate race to put in my earbuds before anybody had the chance to interrupt my long-awaited solitude. I only barely succeeded; just as I was turning on my music a kind-looking middle-aged man asked to take the seat next to mine. I gave him a quick smile and nodded my assent, knowing that would be the last time I would have to engage him during our journey.

The man had a piece of paper in his hand, and I frowned as I saw what it was. There was a person in our city who occasionally handed out a “tract” to the people waiting in line to ride the bus, but it was filled with lies and confusing statements. I didn’t like what the paper had to say and I was sad that this man was now reading it. I was hoping he wouldn’t buy into the lies or have doubts about God and who He is.  For a while I watched the man as he read the tract slowly and carefully.

And then I felt something that made my gut instantly clench up and my heart beat faster.

As clear as day, God spoke to my heart and said, “Ask that man about what he’s reading.”

…......

……..

Anxiety started bubbling to the surface and I sat as still as I could, as if God would stop looking at me and go ask someone else to do something for Him. He didn’t.

The man continued to read as I remained motionless. I watched the trees and concrete buildings race by, and wished I could hurl myself out the window and seek their asylum. Finally I worked up enough nerve to say something, and pretty soon we were engaged in a deep conversation. By the time we had reached his stop to get off, he had accepted Christ into his life and he walked away a changed man.

………

Actually,

Actually.

Actually, that didn’t happen.

Actually, I stayed silent as my heart burned, unable to form a single word to say to the man next to me.

Actually, I fixed my gaze out the window and stared at the world passing by until he finally put the paper in his bag and went to sleep.

Actually, after twenty minutes of excruciating silence God spoke again, with absolutely no condemnation or disappointment in His tone. He was simply stating a fact:

“You disobeyed me.”

And I had three hours on a quiet bus to think about what that meant.

________________

That day, all pretense and good intentions were stripped away, and I was finally shown the glaring truth: after a lifetime of following Christ, three years of attending a Christian university and one year of serving on the mission field, I, Jessica Marie Hogan, was still afraid of sharing my faith with others.

There, I said it.

You can go ahead and stop reading, or feel free to unsubscribe from my blog. I think I have officially earned the title of “Worst Missionary.” The guy was sitting right there, with absolutely no chance to go anywhere, and I couldn’t even say one thing to him about Jesus Christ the savior of my life. In that moment I knew that it was a test, and that I hadn’t succeeded.

Here’s the part where I need to make sure something is clear. Remember that God most definitely does test us, but he never tempts us. God tests, and Satan tempts. By testing us God wants us to see how we can make our faith stronger. By tempting us Satan tries to destroy our faith. Maybe they sound similar on the surface, but the two motives are completely opposite.

What am I so afraid of? I continued to ask myself as I reflected on the bus. Why wasn’t I able to say something? Was it the feeling of inconvenience, of having to pull myself out of my own bubble and engage with someone? Was it a fear of looking foolish? Was it a lack of confidence? I think in a way it was all of those things, and even more things that I will never be able to quite put into words.

I believe there is value in every experience, so I invite you to learn from my failures and shortcomings. Maybe I really was supposed to lead that man to Christ that day. Or maybe the man just had a simple question that I would have been able to answer. Or maybe God wanted me to initiate a conversation that would have ended up being a blessing to me. It doesn’t matter what would have happened. The point is, if God told me to do something, it’s because 1.) He wanted me or someone else to learn something and grow from the experience, and/or 2.) He was going to equip me with the ability to handle it.

I have always considered myself a humble person (wait, does it make me not humble anymore if I admit that?), but as with every other good thing, we humans can easily corrupt humility and turn it into hesitancy, self-doubt, and a feeling of inferiority. Deep down I think I’m waiting to become the “perfect” missionary, and until then I don’t want to get my hands dirty and mess a good thing up, so instead I stand back and wait for someone more capable to take control.

Here’s what my little mind needs to understand though: I am so far from perfection that I will never achieve it in this lifetime. Which means, if I follow my own logic, I will keep myself on the sidelines for the rest of my life and never give God an opportunity to produce anything good in me. Is that what I want? Is that what anyone wants?

God knows me inside and out; He knows what I’m good at and what I’m terrible at. He knows where I shine and where I stumble. And in spite of all that, He will still push me to do things that make me uncomfortable, things that don’t come naturally for me. Even when I keep trying to pull myself out of the game, He will never stop urging me to come back into play. Ok, I think that’s enough of the sports metaphor for today.

If you have ever read any part of the Bible you will quickly see that God specializes in accomplishing things through unlikely, weak, sinful people. Enter Jessica. That is most definitely me. But I don’t have to believe in my own abilities to accomplish what he asks of me; I do have to believe in his ability to work through me. And after a lifetime of following Christ, I have enough examples of that to encourage me forward the next time he gives me a job to do.

I wouldn’t go as far to say that day was a turning point in my life, because in reality I have failed and succeeded since then, just as I had failed and succeeded before I took that bus ride. But for me it’s a reminder to reflect on once in a while, to spur me to keep going and to be obedient when I feel the call. Just last week I was given the opportunity to share my faith with someone here on campus, and I was able to share boldly and without hesitation. Instead of wasting time worrying if I had done well enough or if I had sounded stupid, I spent that time praying that God would use my imperfect words to reach my friend. And you know how I felt after that? I was just as delighted to be given that opportunity to share as God was delighted to give it to me.

Stop second-guessing yourself when God asks you to do something. Stop hesitating, or you will rob yourself of the great privilege it is to be obedient to God.

Let’s live boldly today.